One morning in August, I found myself crying on a bathroom floor in a rental house in Nauvoo, IL, confessing to my mom that there was no way I could attend a session with them that afternoon. It wasn't that they wouldn't let me in - I had a temple recommend and could easily have gone if that was what I decided. That morning, though, I had finally admitted the truth to myself.
I had lied to get that temple recommend, and so even though I had it, I wasn't worthy to have it.
Let's rewind a bit, though.
I started going to BYU in Provo, UT in 2006, a transfer from college in Boston. I had lived the "big city" life and had decided that I now wanted to experience a pretty much completely Mormon environment. I had grown up outside of Utah for most of my life, so I had no idea what to expect.
Provo was an adjustment for me. It wasn't as much the "culture shock" that you hear so much about, either; instead, it was the exact thing that I had moved there for in the first place - there were a ton of Mormons. Suddenly, I found myself becoming complacent about my religion. My testimony was buoyed not by my faith, but by my desire to "keep up with the Jones'," in a way. I wanted everyone to believe I was a good, righteous, beautiful, talented, hard-working Mormon, so I tried very hard to follow along with what everyone else was doing, so I would seem that way. I no longer was trying to strengthen my beliefs in my religion for myself, but instead was simply wearing a mask of religion to prove to fit in to the norm.
Eventually, I became disenchanted with fitting in, and decided that this must mean that I was disenchanted with my religion. I began to live in a way that was contrary to the morals that I'd held for my whole life, because in my black and white perspective of things, if I wasn't going to try and fit in with the Mormon crowd, I'd have to try and fit in with its opposite. Finding my own identity was out of the question, because I was way too insecure for that. Following my religion simply because I believed in its principles was a concept that had long left my mind.
A whole lot of bad decisions later found me huddled on the bathroom floor in tears, wondering how I ever ended up there. In that moment, I had a decision to make - I could continue down the path I was going and decide that Mormonism was simply not the right choice for me, or I could turn back and recommit to my religion.
After a great deal of soul-searching, prayer, and a long repentance process, I chose to recommit myself to being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I have never, ever regretted that decision.
Now, close to six years after that fateful morning, I want to share why I made that decision and why I continue to make that decision. Because in the end, it wasn't about fitting in - it was about the beautiful blessings that come from living the Gospel.
1. I'm still a Mormon, because of the Priesthood.
When Olive was in the hospital, my husband gave her a priesthood blessing that she would live a long and full life - and she did. The Priesthood is the power and authority that God has given man on the Earth today. It is used to comfort, to heal, to confirm blessings and ordinances. I am so grateful that my husband holds the Priesthood and that I am able to support him as a Priesthood holder.
(There are some within the Church that believe it is sexist for men to hold the priesthood and women to not. I disagree with this line of thought, but that's a subject for a whole different post. If you would like to read some of what other women have written that I agree with, you should read these posts.)
2. I'm still a Mormon, because of personal revelation.
One of the things I love most about the Mormon beliefs is that I have the ability to gain personal revelation for myself - I can pray about problems that I'm having and receive guidance from my Heavenly Father. I can pray to know if that Church is true, if the scriptures are true, if certain aspects of the Mormon religion are right - and I will receive answers to all of these questions. I am so grateful to be able to gain a testimony not purely based on the experiences of others, but based on my own as well.
3. I'm still a Mormon, because we have living prophets on this Earth.
General Conference was not too long ago, and if you were on Twitter at all, you probably saw the #ldsconf hashtag trending, as Mormons around the world tweeted quotes and lessons that they heard from the General Authorities of the Church. As members of the LDS church, we believe that we have a prophet on the Earth today that speaks to God and receives revelation not just for himself, but for all members of the Church.It is beautiful to know that the people of biblical times were not the only ones that were given prophets. God has not forgotten us and still speaks through His leaders today.
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4. I'm still a Mormon, because I have the ability to repent and become spiritually clean.
The repentance process was one of the most emotionally and spiritually trying things that I have ever had to endure. At the same time, though, it was a beautiful, humbling experience. As Mormons, we believe that Christ suffered for the sins and pains of each one of us, and that through Him we can be forgiven. Since I am not anywhere near perfect, this is such a blessing to me. Even the smallest mistakes can be forgiven, and "though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow."(Isaiah 1:18)
5. I'm still a Mormon, because miracles do happen.
Anyone that has been reading my blog at all in the past few months, knows the story of my daughter Olive. Before the experience with Olive, I was unsure if miracles still happen on this Earth, at least to the extent that they happened in the time of Christ. Today, I am a witness of the beautiful, miraculous healing power of the Priesthood, and there is no doubt in my mind that it is because miracles happen that my daughter is here today.
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6. I'm still a Mormon, because families can be together forever.
From the very beginning, this has been one of the strongest foundations of my testimony. Maybe it's because I can't imagine being without my family. I know, though, that because of temple marriages and sealings, families will be together after this life. I know that the family is central to God's plan, and since becoming a mother, this belief has only been solidified.
7. I'm still a Mormon, because I want to be like Jesus Christ.
When it comes down to it, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, preaches the Gospel of Jesus Christ. There is nothing more beautiful, hopeful, or humbling, no message as joyful, as the Gospel of Christ. I am still a Mormon, because it teaches me more about this Gospel and helps me be more like Christ. I will never be perfect on my own, but I can be perfected through Christ. The knowledge of this keeps me going, as I strive to be better each day, no matter how hard it may seem |
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There are many more reasons, but for me, these seven facts keep me strong and are the building block of my testimony. As cliche as it sounds, it is truly impossible for me to put into words the gratitude that I have that I am a member of this Church. The Gospel of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has brought me strength, happiness, and constantly encourages me to be a better person each day.
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